My mom was deep and always looking for meaning. While we had to work through some hard stuff during my adolescence and beyond, there was always a dedicated loving that sustains me even today. Here are some of the lessons she taught me that serve me well.
 
1. Be inclusive. Ahead of her time, my mom taught me this lesson in the most basic of ways. When it was time for a birthday party, I had to invite all the kids from my neighborhood or my class so that no one had hurt feelings by being left out.
 
2. Stand tall when people are cruel. All kids get teased about something. My mom taught me to pretend I was a model with a book on my head and keep my posture straight even when others were being mean to me. Today I understand something more: when someone else is not nice it's because they're hurting. We don't have to fix their hurt and we also don't need to let their cruelty in—it’s truly their problem.
 
3. Advocate for those who are weaker or vulnerable. When my grandmother was in the hospital my mother stood by her to make sure she got what she needed, to understand what the doctors were saying, and to ensure things were in order. My grandmother didn't speak English. My mom stood by her side to advocate for her. That's just one example.
 
3. Don't waste. My mother grew up during the Depression and they had very little. So when I was growing up my mom taught me not to waste. Today, they would call it "reduce reuse recycle." May we never know from the lack that taught her not to waste. May we understand and take care of our world’s resources.
 
4. Be sensitive to other people's resources. That meant not hogging up the food at somebody else's home. It meant taking a modest portion and being gracious and grateful or being neat and tidy in other people's homes (well, in ours too). She taught me to clean up after myself even in a restaurant or a hotel because even though they're getting paid, those cleaners are working hard and we don't need to add to their burdens!
 
5. Live and give according to your means. We didn't have much growing up. My mom assured me that people would understand if I gave a modest gift. Of course, that helped me understand when others gave me a modest gift. She also taught me how to find a bargain so I could get more for my money. The idea is to spend—and live well—according to what you have. Also, that what we have to give isn’t always monetary. It can be sharing wisdom, a generous smile, affection, a warm meal, or a place to stay.
 
6. Be courageous and bold when going after your heart's desires. In the early 1960s when I was a young child my mom went to college for the first time. It was not a thing for “older” (she was in her 30’s) people to go to college in those days. In fact, one well known university turned her down for her graduate degree because of her age. She got her master's degree in English—which was not her first language—and taught in college. Years later she was invited to be a speaker on the campus that turned her down. So there!
 
7. Seek meaning. There is a God and walking a spiritual path has great value. My mom told her stories and shared parts of her journey. Her thirst for a meaningful life was apparent to all who took the time to know her.
 
8. You make a difference in this world no matter what's happening in your life; no matter where you are or what state you're in. She didn’t teach me this as a lesson with words but by watching her in the last weeks of her life. Even when my mother completely unconscious, I saw things happening around her that wouldn't have occurred if she wasn't still hanging on. Her life was waning but her presence was still real. Every moment in life is precious and a gift.

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Dear Natasha,
Scott and I were so happy you were our waitress the first time we went to First Watch.  You were the perfect combination of friendly, engaging and professional.  Providing amazing service while letting us have our space to talk isn’t easy.  We asked you your name to make sure we requested you each time we came after that.
 
With all the guests you serve, I couldn’t figure out how you remembered exactly what we both liked every time.  You make us feel so welcome and special each time.  When you aren’t working it just is never quite the same.  It was like we were visiting someone we knew when we saw you.
 
A few weeks ago I happened to wear an NA t-shirt I had recently gotten at a convention I attended.  You immediately noticed and said something about it.  Scott and I both said we were in recovery and your face lit up.  You admitted that you were an addict and had been going to meetings at one time and needed to get back to them.  We were excited to tell you about our home group that met on Friday nights knowing you only worked days.  You said that was a perfect time and you would be there next week.  I gave you my card and said you could call any time.  We left excited that we were able to share a message of hope with you and there was a meeting 5 days later.
 
The next time we were there you apologized for not being able to make the meeting.  We said we would be there when you were ready to come.  You said you would be there Friday and would give me a call and again Scott and I were excited knowing we would see you in a few days in a meeting. 
 
You didn’t come to the meeting Friday night, but at least you knew where we were. We came over Sunday and they said you were working later than your normal time.  For a moment I thought that was strange since you only serve breakfast and lunch, but didn’t give it another thought.  Once again breakfast wasn’t the same without you. There’s something about you that lights up wherever you stand. Your warmth was felt by so many. I guess that’s why so many people request you.
 
Scott went there without me yesterday morning.  A couple of the waitresses walked over knowing we always sat with you. They let him know that you overdosed and died on Sunday, the day they told us you were coming in to work later.  I can’t imagine what it was like for him to hear that in the very place we met you.  He knew how excited I was that you wanted recovery.  There aren’t many women in our meetings and the idea of you joining us was part of the reason we started the meeting.  We wanted a place for anyone seeking recovery from addiction to have a place to hear the message of Narcotics Anonymous and know that a day at a time, they never had to use drugs again.
 
I don’t know how he found the words to tell me what happened to you.  I sat in shock unable to process what he shared.  He said you have a 9- and 11-year-old.  How are they going to grow up without your love?  I’m sorry that you were so in the grip of your addiction that you didn’t call or come to a meeting.  We would have helped you; I promise.  All you needed to do was pick up the phone or shown up at the door.
 
Now nobody else, most of all your children will ever see the twinkle in your eyes, feel your warmth or be excited just knowing you are in the room.  I hate this disease and what it does.  What I hate even more is that this past Sunday it won and took you.
 
Rest well Natasha and know the world glows a little less bright now that you are gone.  I will miss you.
 
Please, if you or someone you know has or thinks they may have a problem with drugs, pm me, no matter where you live.  I will help get you in touch with someone in Narcotics Anonymous near you or let you know about online meetings.  They are available 24/7.  Help is available and NA is free.  Out message is simple…an addict, any addict, can stop using, lose the desire and find a new way to live.   Give us a chance…. what do you have to lose?

Karen is so sincere that she gave me her cell phone to put on this blog: is 1.404.626.0946 or you can email her at [email protected].
 
The link for NA is www.na.org.  

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Everyone is struggling with some kind of situations in life. I know it feels so hard. But you know what? In the struggles that feel so hard, there are also opportunities. So I want to share with you some things to think about and maybe give you some of the tools for the journey you’re on now.
The first thing is the idea of getting familiar with the feelings of the struggle. Don’t ignore the feelings because they are the signal that you have a chance to grow.

•       Get familiar
•      Feel the feelings – but don’t get stuck there. See the feelings (can you draw them?) Name them? Thank them for coming up. Then you can “give them a new job.” (Remind me to do a post about that technique!)

So how do you move through challenges?
            Do you know about quicksand? It’s sand that is mixed with water. It can look like normal dirt with some water from the outside but it can’t hold weight so once a person steps into it, he can begin to sink in a scary way and it can be very hard to get out. Here’s where knowledge about quicksand could come in helpful in life.
            The more you struggle, the deeper and stronger the quicksand can take hold. One thing that some people don’t understand about quicksand is that as scary as it is, it can’t swallow a person up—unless they struggle! I love the metaphor (where you look at one thing to describe or understand another) of quicksand.
            Quicksand happens. It’s not fun. With life experience you can learn to avoid quicksand in the first place but until you do, knowing how to get out is helpful. And just like quicksand, you can get yourself out of your challenges if you follow the steps. It’s the same with the struggles of life. Every challenge is different but there are ways of approaching and handling the situations that come up that are skills you can use your whole life long. So let’s explore.
            Step 1. When someone gets stuck in quicksand they’re taught to drop everything. Let go of the “stuff” they’re carrying so they are lighter. In a challenge, it’s not a physical backpack but it could be about letting go of old beliefs and expectations. Do you have other ideas of what you might need to let go of what's weighing you down? When you free yourself up to see the situation clearly, then you can make the best moves to get free (of the challenge or struggle or hard times). Freedom is not really about where you find yourself. It’s about how you are inside yourself! You may not be able to control what’s happening on the outside but you can absolutely have the freedom and power to direct your inner self: feelings and thoughts!
            Step 2. Each time you might find yourself starting to “get stuck” in the challenge, you can take a step back. With quicksand stepping back might get you right out of it.  In life—especially when we’re young, we don’t always understand how we get ourselves stuck with our struggle. With life experience, you’ll get familiar and be able to take the step back as soon as you recognize where you’re heading.
            Step 3. Once someone finds himself stuck in quicksand, a strategy for getting out is to actually lay back! It sounds like the opposite of what someone should do, right? But if he lies back, he’ll stop sinking and his feet will be easier to come up. He’ll float in the water. And yes, he’ll get pretty dirty, but he’ll be able to get out safely.
            Sometimes in life, the best way out is through. You gotta get through grammar school to get to high school and you gotta get through high school to get to what’s next. Here’s where your attitude changes everything. Dear beautiful Ella, there are lessons in this world we are here to learn. Hashem sets things up in ways that are above our understanding and for our best! One thing that is for sure is that every challenge, every lesson comes to us with great love and every single human being has to have trials.  Here's a point of power that can change everything: We can't always avoid pain in life but suffering is always a choice.
            Here I want to say that if you are in danger—if someone is molesting or hurting you—there are ways to get out and be safe. You can tell the adults (or if you're an adult, there are experts) in your life that you trust and they will get the help needed. Like with quicksand though, panic will never serve you or get you out of it.
            Step 4. Move slowly and carefully to get out of quicksand. Being frantic (panic, freak out, etc.) will not help. This requires patience! It could take a while, but you will get out when you move slowly, carefully, and intentionally.
            When the quicksand is deep: the advice is actually to relax. Can you believe it? Breathe deeply. Breathing changes whole chemical reactions in the body and gives the mind time to find solutions. The idea with quicksand is not to sink and be trapped. So when someone gets stuck he can lay back and gently swim to the firm ground. Then he can roll out.
            It can be scary to feel stuck in a situation you feel you can’t get out of. One of the strategies for getting out of deep quicksand is to take breaks. Just like getting out of quicksand is exhausting, it can be exhausting to grow through the hard stuff of life. It doesn’t mean you ignore the challenges or pretend they’re not there. You keep working to get yourself out of the quicksand of course, and you keep working on solutions to the difficulties of life.
            Dear reader, you can do this! So many people love and believe in you including those you're not even aware of. Trust that you are never alone, there is always support and guidance. Another one of my many favorite quotes is from Winston Churchill that you might find inspiring: “If you are going through hell, keep going!”
            Time will reveal more of what is so hard to understand today. The beautiful thing about maturing is that you get perspective. You can think about something that felt really hard when you were younger but that is easy for you to handle now. You are a wise soul but you’re still very young and tender in this world. Use the quicksand strategies to change the situations that you feel stuck in. They really work. If you can apply these ideas now, you will have developed a skill to last your whole life. Talk with those who are trustworthy and experienced about how to apply the quicksand strategies for your situation. That’s a plan to get you through hard times in the best state of mind.
            I want to tell you one more tool that you’ve already learned to some degree. It’s so basic and so out in the open but people don’t talk about it so much. It’s gratitude. Gratitude is seriously life-changing. Practice it, play with it, talk to God. I feel like I’m coming out of a trial in my own life. I know this stuff and I teach this stuff but I wasn’t feeling so grateful at all. But I’m sure you’ve heard the expression “practice what you preach” so I started to work on gratitude. Did I mention that I was feeling so utterly cranky? So I started with, “God, I’m so grateful that I can have a crappy day with food in my belly.” (There are way too many people on this Earth who are starving and I’m not hungry!) “God, I’m so grateful that I love the people in my life even when I don’t want to be around anyone.” (We are not alone.) “Dear God, even though my life feels so suffocating, I’m so glad to have these challenges and shelter.” Get the idea?
            I just saw a video about a woman, Jessica Buchanan, who was abducted and kidnapped in a country in Africa called Somalia. She suffered terribly. Then she came up with a new way of seeing things. She called her pain “proof of life.” Her pain was proof that she was alive, living life!!! Of course, it’s easier to say these things when you don’t feel like you’re in the middle of it, but you can still grab onto what works.
            Remember, one small change in you changes everything around you and changes the results you’ll get.
 
I believe that you have the resources to get through what’s hard in life.
You shine more than you imagine. Shine, shine, shine!
 Love,
Aunt Laya

 The fire was just below our yard and I saw it moving fast right for us. I called the fire department, but they never came to us. In the few moments during my call I watched the fire head up the mountain straight to neighbors' homes. It was a summer brush fire and it raged hot and fierce with no mercy. The fire licked at our yard. A pack of us from the neighborhood fought with hoses and buckets. We moved our cars, I grabbed a few things in case we had to run away. 

Anyone who's been through a fire knows that the effects can last a long time. It was years ago and things are mostly growing back now. But even months afterwards, we still felt the loss.

It took days for the smouldering to stop. It was devastating even though we didn't lose so much--some trees, some yard equipment, and such.

It was weeks later that I noticed my cat's feet were still being stained by the blackened, burned mountain. The initial trauma was behind us, but it still affected us,the experience left its mark. If fact, there's a charred tree that stands just outside our yard as a reminder of what happened. Most of the other trees grew back.

Here's what I want to remind you with this post: Remember to be gentle with yourself. You may not think you even feel the effects any more, but they may still be present. It does take time to heal. The effects of trauma don't just disappear even though life goes on. Some things were lost. And... there's new growth! We don't have to get stuck in the loss and at the same time it's a loving way to be if you can be tender and gentle with yourself and others as you process through trauma and into healing.

 Bad guys (and women) don't look like bad guys. They may friend you on social media or catch you at the mall. They may hang out with you for months before they make a move. They may seem nice. But they are lying to get what they want, and what they want will hurt you. They only care about the fix they will get for themselves (like money or sex).

They are very cunning, smooth talking tricksters. They can manipulate people to get what they want. Predators might make it appear like they're not strangers. One tactic predators use is to "friend" someone, and that can be in real life or on social media. If it's online, they probably have a fake profile with fake photos to give the illusion of being someone they are not (like more attractive or younger or safer).

The thing about a liar is that they lie. And they're good at it. They  know where people young and old are vulnerable. They know the weaknesses of their victims. Everyone, everyone,  has vulnerabilities. The smooth talking liars and the frightening liars want to put people in a position that they can't defend themselves.

They are lying when they say they are friends.
They are lying when they say they understand (they do understand vulnerabilities).
They are lying when they say they can solve your problems.
They are lying when they turn cruel and say that their victims are worthless or undeserving.
Liars lie.
They may start one way but then use theft, violence, or fear.

Some of you know this hard story already, but you haven't reached the end of the story. Because in the end you can be safe, you can be protected, you can heal.

Stay awake. Stay safe.
If you are caught in the trap of a liar right now, reach out for help.

You are loved. You are lovable.

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It's not "business as usual." During this time of Coronavirus we've got some challenges. Here are a few encouraging thoughts.
Love,
Aunt Laya